I try to avoid this circumstance or this role.. but it isn’t that easy.. I mess things up, but I didn’t mean to.. I just want to help, but I’m making it worse.. I had no idea, but it happened already.. I try to fix things up, but I ended up hurting people.. it’s one of the trickiest and crappiest roles I have ever had.. but this happens a lot.. it sucks and it’s shit.. I might even deny it at first and blame somebody or something else for what I have done.. but later on.. I have to man up in the end..
I’m not denying it you know.. I know I did wrong.. but you just keep on telling me that I’m a mess and I made this mistake.. and that I’m not good enough.. it would be a lot better if you explain to me properly the situation.. and not just push me around.. I’m not as dumb or stupid as I look.. I know what I did.. you don’t have to repeat yourself as if you know better than me..
If I try to do something to help.. you’d think that I’m not enough.. that I’m not good enough.. because of the messes and mistakes that I made..
Look.. I want to fix it up, I want to make it right again.. but it’s not good enough for you.. it’s like.. every effort I make.. it’s not enough to your standards.. you want more, you expect more.. but I can only do so much.. maybe you do this to spite me or show me something.. I dunno really.. but either way.. it still hurts me.. I might not show it, I might even look like it didn’t hurt me.. but it does.. I have to hide it.. it hurts me a lot.. it’s like.. I made something so complicated, I sacrificed a lot and worked so hard.. and you just break it so easily in front of me.. with a certain look as if you are trying to prove something to me..
I’m not dumb you know.. it’s just that my patience have exceeded its limits and this makes me tick off.. especially if I feel like whatever I do.. it’s not enough.. I am realistic enough to realize that it can’t be undone, whatever mistakes and messes I made.. and because of this, you think that I don’t give a damn about the consequences.. but I do.. I think about the consequences a lot.. I’m trying so hard to fix it up.. but I have a feeling that it just backfires.. it does for the past couple of tries.. I made the situation more complicated than before.. I made the circumstances much worse than before..
Some people want to help.. I appreciate it.. but they can only do so much.. moral support, financial support, whatever support they can give.. but at the back of my mind.. I’m begin to doubt, i begin to have second thoughts.. I doubt them at some point.. I’m even beginning to doubt myself as well.. I can’t help but think, “Why am I still doing this? Is it still worth it?”
I know that it’s up to me if I want to continue to try to fix this up.. I try to see different possibilities from different perspectives.. I turn my impatience into persistence just so that I continue to fix this up.. I just want this to be done with.. I’m not denying the fact that I did something wrong.. all fingers points to me.. but that won’t stop me.. just watch.. you’ll see..
I’m gonna prove to you that I can fix this.. once I have fixed this.. I’ll stay out of your way.. because at some point.. you’ll just nod and continue with your life.. like I am just some kind of chore.. I understand that and I don’t blame you.. maybe at first, I’m fixing this up just so that I can prove to YOU that I can fix this.. but in the end.. I’m just proving to myself that I can fix this.. I can fix this, I can make this right.. don’t flatter yourself though.. I’m not doing this for you.. I’m doing this for me.. in the end, that’s what it’s all about after all..
